09/10/2025 reluctance. i am on the court playing badminton. legs feeling lethargic, despite prior larger than usual nutrient intake. 15mins in left knee tender, floaty sensation. the word reluctance comes to mind. i take it easier on my movement and continue to play. my knee is not hurting but not comfortable and i don’t want to risk injury. i am unable to split-drop and so can’t make the usual advantageous positioning i am used to dominating from. this renders my ability to place myself in expectation of a shot defunct. the stronger players notice this weakness in me and exploit it, as they should. their play does not insult or annoy me as it sometimes might - i am past grumpiness with my partially incapacitated body - instead i interpret their exploitation of my inability to move as validating of the fact i can not move fast today. i am settled into a comfort with the edge i am pressing given the circumstances. i am glad too to be in a position to witness how and in what fashion my opponents adjust their play. 2hrs in and toward the end. we are in a rally and either myself or my team mate flicks the shuttle mid-court - the perfect offering for a punishing smash our way. owing to my injured knee, i do not retreat from the net. the shuttle smashes into my eye and the room goes blurry. stunned. shock. it is only in hindsight i realise how reluctant my body was to be there. i stood still at the front of the net with my racket down. defenceless

 

06/10/2025 autumn is my favourite month. there may be some implicit bias in that it is my birth month but that’s not all. it is the month where fertility for tomorrow lies, where excess is stripped back and only what is necessary for tomorrow remains. it is a month of colour, of warmth, of change. of sowing the seeds for tomorrow where trees and other things go to hibernate. of storms, roots and bleak clarity. this season is a true bedrock from which to base a life

 

16/09/2025 sometimes i become hyper attuned to the feel of my own heartbeat. through my back, lungs expand and the beat makes its rhythm known through my ribs and back. the cavity of lung providing space for the beat to amplify, i sit, a skin drum of blood. of pulsing life between things that would not normally be noticeable to me. i am glad for body

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26/08/2025 my mother and i make tea in different ways. while the tea is steeping i fill the kettle, while my mother likes to make her tea before filling the kettle. my mother uses a spoon once per tea cup whereas i use one spoon for a days worth of tea, resting it on the side of the sink. both systems are fine. and if we chose to use each others we may learn something new, or confirm our approach as best suited to our disposition and need.

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22/08/2025 my grandfather is dead, and my grandmother is dying. delusions and bs we tell ourselves to avoid pain - the difference between bs and lies - one of them is the relationship with truth-seeking. a lie relies on the truth as it’s centre of mass. bs on the other hand does not. i am moved by the curtains in the room. how they play with gestalt concept of completeness - either leaves are facing up or down when looked at as a whole pattern, and yet individually, there is no pattern. when looking at the piece with a more detached view, a new chaotic pattern of leaves up and down forms and fades with different shapes becoming figural moment to moment. it’s a lot of information to process. here are the curtains - i did not expect to have such a relationship with them this morning

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04/08/2025 trust in the tide. there is a shimmer that exists between the fall and the draw of the wave. form to fall, crash to creep, contract. a hand outreached, the sea becomes shy and retreats. the single form now a diaspora dancing over pebbles, shining in delight toward home. delight in the form of generous spirit, bubbling, jumping, as if in ecstasy. beyond the meeting of the shore, the surface moves. deep soft motions that mirror the thick toffee of a restless mind. there is ecstasy closer to the shore. reaching out and retreating. the gentle seesaw of energy and dissipation. trust in the tide. there is a shimmer that exists in the fall and draw of the wave

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04/08/2025 artefact written in style of william blake

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o sea! great mother, vast and wide
whose moaning breast and foaming tide
breaks evermore ‘gainst rock and time
in ceaseless labour, dark, sublime
thou weep’st with joy, thou lash’st with wrath
thy womb, the forge of form and path

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and lo! the cliff, stern father grim
with silent brow and ancient limb
he stands at brink of mortal thought
in stillness carved, in silence wrought
he speaks not, yet commands the gale
his gaze unmoved by storm or sail

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from kiss of rage and tender war
from thundered clasp and granite core
a pebble small is gently hurled
a cipher of the heaving world
no voice it bears, yet all it knows
wrought by their dance, where motion flows

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it is not sea, nor stone entire
a shard of pulse, a spark of fire
and thus from strife and sacred play
the child of vast becoming lay

each fragment holds eternity
both none, and all, of what shall be

 

08/05/2025

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the relaxed surrender of clouds 

could just have easily been thunder 

it’s a comfort knowing clouds scream too

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07/05/2025 i’ve often taken an epistemological approach to language and it’s this that’s likely led me to relate or explore relationships through gestalt, being one of the few enquiring modalities that emphasises figure and ground in the present moment rather than predetermining what figural something to enquire into. through gestalt process, one does not assume to know but seeks to understand. when the tail isn't wagging the dog, availability for understanding arises

 

03/05/2025 gardening and growing, counter to techno-industrial obsession with being in control of land with machines, is mostly an act of removing barriers to enable plants to do what they do best. in an agricultural setting, humans do not grow the plant, we simply make the space for them to grow. therefore, any technological solution to growing is less about the technology and more about the enabling of contact in relationship with what nature already does and is. land ownership and access is an issue. techno-utopians, this is not for you.

 

trading is a hard game of tempering inner-psychology with skin in the game. at its core it is about designing and capitalising on positive expectancy models of price behaviour so that, in a probabilistic framework, account number moves up and to the right over x iterations. sounds simple enough but almost everything in trading is upside down. while the linear goal is capital accumulation and preservation, the actual how of trading is much closer aligned to inner-management and risk adjusting. the process is not about making demands of the market but rather about noticing patterns that give rise to these positive expectancies and thus capitalising on them when they’re available. like gardening, it is not about forcing wants of outcome but rather attending to the rhythm of signals and then executing on these that delivers yield. 

 

the art of coaching similarly is to hold space such that what is figural and important for a client may have space to breathe and be expanded into. there is no content to be offered in coaching, it is a way of relating, a breath of fresh oxygen for our busy, productivity oriented minds to regain connection with context, breadth and resource. sure, there’re technological solutions alongside coaching, such as psychometrics, models of adult development, leadership, performance and stakeholder partnership, but these are supplemental to the process by which coaching makes available space to notice and connect with one’s personal wellspring of resource and capability. 

 

tools are not the truth but methods of relating with truth, whatever that be for us on individual, societal, systemic or spiritual levels. i could do no better than to quote thich hhat hanh here on the process of mindfulness and teaching: 

 

“the teaching is merely a vehicle to describe truth. don’t mistake it for the truth itself. a finger pointing at the moon is not the moon. the finger is needed to know where to look for the moon, but if you mistake the finger for the moon itself, you will never know the real moon. the teaching is like a raft that carries you to the other shore. the raft is needed, but the raft is not the other shore. an intelligent person would not carry the raft around on his head after making it across to the other shore. my teaching is the raft which can help you cross to the other shore beyond birth and death. use the raft to cross to the other shore, but don’t hang onto it as your property. do not become caught in the teaching. you must be able to let it go”.

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23/05/2025 08:32 i am thinking on awe as an antidote to helplessness. as a kid i was sensitive to death. at a friend’s party their cat brought in a still wriggling baby rabbit before killing it in the middle of the kitchen. i must have been 9 at the time. i was flooded with anxiety and sadness and burst into tears. typical townie, they must have thought - as we’d only moved out into the countryside from london a few years prior. in secondary school i shot rabbits with a friend. some had myxomatosis and required a second shot to the head from point blank range to end them. the quick whistle of the pellet or 22 and satisfying wet thud as contact was made. i was not crying now and it was not with kindness i killed. those years of my life in puberty were mostly diseased by melancholy. anger, destruction masked a sadness i could not contain. i’d later learn to skin the rabbits and preserve the pelts/butcher what meat was available. i don’t care for rabbit meat. my grandad had a similar disposition to killing. he’d shoot for pest control up in yorkshire but my mother recounts a story where he found a litter of babies and brought them home to care for and raise before release. the child is protected, the adult is slain. he died from alzhiemers during my first term at uni after 10 long years of deteriorating. it was a dark time and i had no words at his funeral. through lockdown i begin butchering and preserving more animals, deer, squirrel, fox, mole, mouse. i do not hunt these animals. they are found dead. i do not like killing. i like less killing for sport. a friend messaged me a female deer had been hit. if you bleed deer within 1 hour of death you can still extract meat for consumption. i collect her, the back leg is torn open and shattered. the pelt is mostly intact and there is uncontaminated meat available. she is a beautiful orangey rust weighing about 30kg. i hang her from the tree in the garden, separating skin from carcass. her becomes it and it is no longer ‘deer’. i am filled with curiosity. we are all tubes. the innards flop out with some encouragement, exposing a rich blend of raw bruises, oxygenated blood and electric green pre-digested grass matter. i am left with a system of meat and bone. the foxes and badgers will eat the rest. the rhythms of nature may not be kind, but they endure. there is more peace now within this tapestry, and my place within it. i’d have liked to know you more grandad.

 

15/11/2024

 

deliver me into waters that hold the leaf

as the swan

i too am in need of surrender

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19/07/2024 in the creative process, the line between internal and external influences is often a delicate balance. two powerful forces that come into play are sublimation and collaboration, both essential but distinctly different in their role and impact on creativity. sublimation is an internal, often subconscious transformation of personal emotions, desires, and drives into creative output. collaboration, on the other hand, is the merging of ideas and perspectives with others to create something new. managing the boundary between these two forces is crucial to maintaining a healthy, productive, and fulfilling creative practice.

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sublimation, a concept originating from freudian psychoanalysis, refers to the process by which repressed or unconscious desires are transformed into socially acceptable, productive activities. in the context of creativity, sublimation allows individuals to channel emotions like frustration, longing, or even conflict into art, writing, music, or other forms of creative expression. for many artists, writers, and creatives, sublimation is at the heart of their process. the emotional charge behind a piece of music, the depth of feeling in a painting, or the sharp insight of a story often originates from personal, internal experiences. sublimation transforms those inner conflicts or desires into something meaningful, offering both personal catharsis and broader cultural contribution. while sublimation can fuel creative innovation and depth, it is, by nature, a solitary and introspective process. the act of turning inward to find emotional fuel can sometimes conflict with the openness required in collaboration. when we sublimate, we are creating from the inside out, drawing on deeply personal material that may not easily accommodate the input of others.

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collaboration, in contrast, is an external process. it involves working with others, sharing ideas, and often combining perspectives, talents, and expertise to produce a collective outcome. in a collaborative environment, creativity thrives on diversity, of thought, background, experience, and skill. collaboration opens the door to new possibilities, allowing ideas to evolve beyond what any one person could achieve alone. in fields like design, filmmaking, or team-based projects, collaboration is often essential. the dynamic interaction between individuals can generate breakthroughs, foster innovation, and solve problems that would be insurmountable in isolation. moreover, collaboration is a skill in itself: it involves negotiation, communication, and the ability to let go of personal ownership in service of a shared vision. however, collaboration can also be challenging, particularly for creatives who are used to relying heavily on sublimation. personal attachment to one’s internal creative process can make it difficult to integrate outside input, especially when the creative drive comes from deeply personal or emotional sources.

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the boundary between sublimation and collaboration is not always easy to navigate. each has its own demands and advantages, but they can feel at odds, especially when the creative process involves personal, emotional material or when the collaborative environment requires compromise.

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sublimation often leads to a strong sense of ownership over the creative work. when an idea is born from deep internal emotion or personal experience, it can feel uniquely yours. collaboration, however, requires a more flexible sense of ownership. ideas must be shared, discussed, and often altered through the input of others. for creatives who rely on sublimation, this can feel like a loss of control or a dilution of their original vision. to manage this tension, it’s essential to create clear boundaries and expectations around ownership in the collaborative process. setting guidelines at the outset for how ideas will be developed and credited can help prevent feelings of disempowerment. recognising that collaboration doesn’t diminish the value of sublimated ideas but instead offers a new context for their growth can shift the mindset from one of scarcity (losing control) to one of abundance (expanding possibilities).

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sublimation often involves processing complex, raw emotions. these emotions are deeply personal and may not be immediately understandable to others in a collaborative environment. when these internal processes meet the often pragmatic nature of collaboration, it can feel jarring. the vulnerability required in sublimation may not always align with the collective decision-making required in a group setting.

navigating this tension requires clear communication and emotional boundaries. it’s important for creatives to honour their need for personal processing time and space while remaining open to feedback and collaboration. a solution might be alternating between moments of solitude, where sublimation can take place, and collaborative sessions, where those ideas are brought into dialogue with others.

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creative people often find that they need solitude to tap into the sublimation process. this time alone allows for deeper reflection and the transformation of internal feelings into creative work. however, collaboration demands interaction, meetings, discussions, and brainstorming sessions. the constant shift between these two modes of working can be draining, especially for those who require solitude to access their creative flow. to balance these opposing needs, creatives can establish boundaries for solo and collaborative work. structuring time so that both sublimation and collaboration are given their due can help maintain creative energy. for example, setting specific hours or days for solo work and others for group collaboration ensures that neither aspect dominates or depletes the other.

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despite their differences, sublimation and collaboration don’t have to exist in opposition. in fact, the most successful creative processes often blend the two, using sublimation to fuel personal insights and emotional depth, and collaboration to enrich, expand, and refine those ideas through the perspectives and expertise of others.

 

in some cases, collaboration itself can spark sublimation. when working with others who bring different emotional energies, experiences, or insights, the act of collaboration can trigger new feelings and ideas that might not have emerged in isolation. the key here is to remain open to how others’ input can enhance personal emotional processes, rather than seeing them as a threat to the internal creative flow. for example, in a team project where multiple ideas are being considered, one person’s suggestion could unlock an emotional response in another, allowing sublimation to occur within the collaborative space. this requires a high level of trust and openness, as well as a willingness to let go of complete control over the emotional or creative outcome.

another approach to managing the boundary between sublimation and collaboration is to create personal projects within collaborative work. for example, while a team may be collaborating on a larger creative project, individuals can work on specific aspects that align with their personal sublimation process. a writer on a collaborative script may take time alone to develop a deeply personal scene, then bring it back to the group for feedback and refinement. this approach allows for personal creative expression within the framework of collaboration.

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to prevent the boundary between sublimation and collaboration from becoming too rigid, it can be helpful to establish structured feedback loops in which both personal and collaborative work are reviewed and discussed regularly. this ensures that personal sublimation is valued within the collaborative process and that collective input is integrated without overwhelming individual contributions. these feedback loops can foster a culture of respect, where the emotional depth of sublimation and the practicality of collaboration coexist harmoniously.

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managing the boundary between sublimation and collaboration in the creative process is an ongoing challenge, but it’s also a rich area for growth. sublimation offers personal, emotional depth that fuels creativity from within, while collaboration provides external input that can elevate ideas beyond individual limitations. by understanding the nature of these forces and setting clear boundaries around ownership, emotional vulnerability, and the need for solitude, creatives can harness the power of both sublimation and collaboration to produce more meaningful, innovative, and impactful work.

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18/05/2024 crunch of celery. dog gets back and crunches on celery i have placed in her bowl. trot trot trot crunch crunch crunch (about 2/3x faster on the crunches than the trotting in). the sea was calm this morning. i took with my phone, keys, joggers, water. filming the way down part way on timelapse. neat effect. decided not to upload as this is a place of haven. some places are better kept secrets. the sea is warm enough to breathe well. it takes time to relax. i swim faster than i’d like. i do not quite trust my buoyancy initially and practice with breathing. legs are heavy and so the natural buoyancy of breath in upper chest cavity keeps body afloat. sun is warm yet not over the sea. a sign of spring. sun over the cliffs. sue gave me a mimosa pudica. it has opened since getting back and is a welcome addition. it sets the context for working and for rest. when light, move. function, flow. when dark, rest, unwind, relax. soften. it sits with me on the desk to the left of my keyboard.

 

12/05/2024

 

woman 1: you thought about running away to scotland 

woman 2: did I?! (high pitched giggling voice)

woman 1: this was before brody 

 

i watched the magnet of love act between an elderly couple just now. man gets on train and partner shuffles down platform following his movement as the train departs. eyes darting to find him and following him once found 

 

the mind is capable of many afflictions and joy is simpler than thought

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​07/03/2024 didn’t meditate this morning. had a decent dream and great rest between 04:40ish and 07:00. hedgelaying this morning was productive. beautiful sun with juxtaposition of grey clouds. windy. themes around what kind of life do i want to create for myself. what does my life look like. talk earlier on ‘letting go of your personal history’ - not allowing bag’s i’ve picked up to become my identity. my identity is not where i’ve been but where i’m going. the past and the story of the past is like the wake of a boat. it is what comes after but it is not where the boat is going, neither is it the vessel. dont confuse the wake for the path

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29/11/2023

 

when sharing something of truth there is no hope

there is no despair

there is only lack

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a deep absence of wanting

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yet such a sharing is hope plentiful

overflowing with absence of demand

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space

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10/10/2023 crispness of autumn last night gave way to heat - and the prior few days. cabbage whites are laying yet another salvo of eggs which are hatching into fully fledged calvo nero munchers. 20+ returned to the soil in one sitting. my heart brimming with gladness as i stop chasing what is not given freely

 

02/10/2023

 

that life does not cease to startle reassures

and so left with a smile

in the knowledge that’s all there’s left to do

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15/04/2023

 

sometimes when away from friends I forget their love within me and mine within them

 

my core full of fondness

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08/02/2023 i’ve been thinking a lot about boundaries and hedges lately, it being hedgelaying season in the uk, so I thought I’d ramble a little bit on some related topics.

 

“standing in field looking at hedge. don't know where to start. a blurred boundary that looks complete enough. from where i stand i can not make out which will be laid and which will be extracted. the field is simple. it is easy to see and maneuver oneself. i have time to reflect and follow the outline and can turn inwards to my breathing. away from the boundary, i can observe in detachment. it’s almost abstract. only once in the hedge, with the hedge, does the material begin to make sense. take out the thorns. take out the ivy. take out anything that would choke the health of the native species. thin out the ground in front of the hedge where it has sprawled into the field. observing which species are present informs a view of how the hedge might form. tall hazel leaves little need for resourcefulness, yet asks me to be creative with it’s presence. blackthorn makes its stubborn demands known by snapping just where one doesn’t want it. blackthorn mocks my desires for immediacy. When blackthorn breaks, she is the part of me that has not listened enough and has been too hasty in action. blackthorn lays well and is a great boundary. though brittle, it sprawls and offers small creatures protection in the form of poisonous inch long thorns.” 

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hedging has a few meanings that share some foundations. to many agents of the land, hedges are means of boundary in which to contain livestock and prevent said livestock from moving to another’s pasture. it is a means of exercising control over food/resource supply first by determining livestock on land in a given boundary as owned by x (the rights to these meat/milk/wool tubes are mine) and second in preventing said livestock from moving to land beyond the boundary (these rights are exercised within the parameters of the hedge). in defining the edge of the field, the hedge simultaneously shapes what is within and what is without.

 

a hedge is also a term used in the risk management sphere to describe a process of taking onboard the opposing direction in a trade to reduce net equity risk. a hedge is a way to remain complicit in both sides of an event while benefiting from the stability the hedge enables. the simplest example of a hedge is with an insurance contract on house damage. you pay a premium in exchange for the delivery of insurance in the event a contract-covered hazard decreases the value of your home. yes, insurance differs technically from hedging in that insurance typically involves paying someone else to bear risk, while hedging involves making an investment that offsets risk, but let’s leave semantics for the purpose of this spiel. both forms of hedging are acts of negotiating control over time. they attempt to balance the unpredictable forces of the future with the stability of the present. whether in land management or financial markets, hedging is a way of maintaining equilibrium.

 

beyond these utilitarian uses of hedge, a hedge is also a potential haven for biodiversity and native species to flourish. in stock proofing a hedge, one also enables sufficient cover for nature to establish herself and do what she does best: diversify. under cover of a proper devonshire hedge, dormice can evade the watchful eyes of predators, lichens can continue to grow, soil structure remains moist and does not blow away as easily during heat spells. so the hedge, although a man made conception, has rootings in a co-existent relationship between our need to preserve ourselves and preserve the world we’re a part of. should our bets on one fail, the other is likely to suffer too.

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the hedge also serves as a metaphor for identity at the edge; the thresholds we navigate in our personal and professional lives, the boundaries we draw to protect ourselves while remaining open to growth and connection. in moments of transition, we stand metaphorically at the edge of the field, looking at the hedge. from a distance, it seems manageable, even orderly. but stepping into the hedge reveals its complexity, a mix of protection and entanglement, challenge and opportunity. like blackthorn’s brittle resistance or hazel’s abundance, the elements within the hedge reflect the parts of ourselves that require attention and care as we navigate when to flex and where to yield. 

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hedging, whether in agriculture, finance, or personal development, is an act of balancing control and uncertainty. it is a mirror of our relationship with control, risk, and coexistence. the field offers no answers about what lies within the hedge, only the assurance of temporary respite from its complexity. to understand the hedge, one must step into it, engage with it, and confront the entanglements within. in tending the hedge, we may engage with ambiguity, embracing its thorns and its gifts. whether as a physical marker, a habitat for biodiversity, or a metaphor for navigating uncertainty, the hedge reminds us of the value in cultivating boundaries that allow us to both protect and connect.

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19/09/2022 the queen's funeral was today. tnh and elizabeth died this year. i felt them in qigong tonight. a reminder that we breathe the same breath and that through practice we act as conduits to the world we bring into being

 

28/07/2022

 

when you take one plus one and divide it by four

you’re left holding less than what you started with before

only two’s greater than one so in fact you have more

two pieces apart like dropped egg on the floor

if i take six less seven and rhyme it with nine

though odd in my palm i know this piece as mine

collecting together the shards and the slime

both bound by and agent in some tricksy design

the pieces apart no they’re not they’re together

contained in each other the wing and the feather

the sea in the drop and the drop in the sea,

each memory apart

a part within me

when you take one plus one and divide it by four

you’re left holding a difference that existed before

just as earth turns to plant and plant into man

contained in all times a past not outran

a past not outran and so not forgotten

how easily dreams turn from fair to rotten

yet rot is what fertilises the soil of tomorrow

what seems to be barren is in fact fallow

loving one seed today and in the earth bury

darkness consumes it is not quite so merry

a shoot, pea green and sun bound already

to love is a choice and this choice must be steady

when you take one plus one and label them apart

that is not much good insofar as a loving start

for love is beyond a broken ideal

love breaks all and in so doing heals

love binds what was broken and breaks what was bound

it’s in love a life worth living is found

sometimes that means breaking and falling apart

to be gentle and kind in this state is the art

when you take one plus one and divide it by four

you’re holding no more nor any less than before

two’s greater than one but don’t be deluded

in one we are whole, though somewhat secluded

 

02/05/2022

 

combing over soil, i feel remnants of you

rocks, dense, wet, rich, play

deeper, firm, cool, held

the quiet harshness of nature apparent as my fingers fumble from broken shells to the soft bodies of worms and roots

exposed and so seen, felt, known

a spade slices through and the worm writhes

everything so, and not

this is what it is to love

 

04/01/2022

 

behind the veil of self-importance lies a world beyond thought

a place with nowhere further to go and everywhere to explore

sometimes still

sometimes violent

always true to its necessities

a place where want is replaced with belonging

 

17/10/2021

 

taste of mountain air, feel of mud underfoot, crisp sting of gale force winds that send cheekbones red. yes, in nature there is life. a confrontation with chaotic forces, a point of contact where what is self and other is no longer the question

 

05/04/2021

 

one day this composition you call your own

will echo the relaxed surrender of clouds

​the quiet violence of nature will strip delusion from bone

while time makes untrue

any resemblance of a you once known

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07/02/2021 i awoke this morning and lay in bed irritable. my back and neck hurt and i couldn’t get comfortable. i’ve felt like this for several weeks, maybe even months now. bad sleep and painful back/neck. i check my phone and scroll mindlessly. a post pops up on lament. 

 

i click and am taken to a video on loss of lament - how, in our modern dystopia, we are becoming ever disconnected from ability to connect with loss - increasingly feeding from a mirror image through virtual platforms and social media - enforcing a brittle ego-ideal in each interaction. i recognise this in my own experience - pausing. allowing myself to feel, exposed to joy and suffering - closing off to numb myself from overstimulation. 

 

typing in ‘lament’ on youtube i find a video on gaelic lament. griogal cridhe c.1757, fhir a chinn duibh c.1650, cummha mhic criomain c.1746. a final song ‘tha mi sgith’ - tha mi sgith ’s mi leam fhim - i’m tired and i’m on my own. warm tears roll down my cheek and i’m reminded though i may be tired i am not alone. 

 

a memory of grief stirs and i’m transported back to chicago on the afternoon of 12th september 2016. my heart is broken and i am in a place i do not know awaiting return to london. 

 

walking down a road coming to what i later learn is the 4th presbyterian church, i walk inside and, up these empty expansive stairs, i open a door and find this room - beautifully spacious - a celtic pattern on the floor, glass chandelier in one corner overlooking the city - a piano just beneath. stepping through the maze on the floor, i make my way over to the piano. i open the case and place my fingers on the keys. fingers exploring each key - a conversation of what i am allowed to be, to feel in this moment - i am no pianist and i am in someone else’s space. finding a combination that make sense - these are notes of my lament. i play with the pedal - touching the keys softly, firmly - expressing where i am in a language i’ve not spoken. vibrations of these notes fills and empties the room for the next 40mins. a guard walks in and asks what i’m doing. i do not know ‘i love this room’ i reply and continue - suspended in the play between the vibrations of each note and the resonance of those before it - a rich blend in which i feel a deep belonging. he keeps at the door for longer than a few moments then leaves. 

 

i remember this time fondly. a desire to reconnect with these notes fills my body as i lie here. i get up and i go over to the piano - searching for the notes. i thought i’d written them down on a piece of paper back in chicago and i wanted to find it. i find the folded piece under the books by the piano - amused by the carelessness i’d treated this now significant gateway to a meaningful part of my life - grateful i’d kept it. 

 

b,c#,e,b - the notes sound uplifting and i am surprised. 

 

i play them some more, moving up and down the keys. there - in the space between the keys i find that sensation - that joyous humiliating release. 

 

my body relaxes and i allow myself to be touched.

 

26/01/2021 pain and joy exist in each other - time dispenses accordingly

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23/01/2021 a human is an experiential tube

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14/12/2020 i walk along the pavement on my way to the gallery. purposefully stepping with destination in mind. the ground a wet grey and the sky an opening of blue - a contradiction that intrigues. a shot of cold wetness up my leg - my right foot is soaked. fucker! i burst into a smile and thank the day for this moment

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08/04/2020

harmonise. collect. accept. accountability vs control. theses themes are a few that have made up ribbons of enquiry the past few years. there is a quality of being held in each of them. as if i were settled in a hand crafted bowl. this bowl precious not in utility but in the stories and memories that have collected about its identity. the collection of interactions that have made this vessel a suitable, trusted companion in which to house myself. i am learning to hold and to be held. to be both the contents and the vessel - a reality that has me simultaneously experience a weightlessness and urgency. i am down in devon at the moment as spring chaotically battles with the last throws of winter. light has returned. birdsong at breakfast. i am not sure if taste has returned to the air or if this new awareness is consistent with a general opening of myself to the season. british winter does not agree with me. i seem to have gathered some things that do not belong in my bowl. housekeeping is creeping its way up my agenda. see what’s what, where and maybe some time for how and why later on. pretty tired of thought lately. looking forward to the sea tomorrow morn

 

28/10/2019

 

what is pain but expression left unshared

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30/08/2019 baby in the quiet carriage   

 

context: several people working quietly in quiet carriage - me reading book titled ‘pathological altruism’. all carriages have plenty of space. two people take seat behind me and begin talking. within 10 seconds, person opposite me turns and informs them it’s a quiet zone. they are quiet for rest of journey. 30 mins in, a person with baby enters quiet carriage. the baby makes shrieking noises. the parent plays with baby. the carriage grows tense. no words are spoken to parent. below are reflections on the remaining 2hrs 40mins of my time on this journey    

 

why, as a social contract in context of ‘quiet carriage’, is baby allowed to make noise when friends conversing are not? why is the piercing shriek of a baby more allowable than the soft murmur of unaware adults? in labelling the carriage ‘quiet’, the variable under question is decibels - not number of people, not smelliness of food, not wealth - decibels. If carriage is to respect the social contract of ‘quiet’, surely it makes sense for constituents of carriage to hone in on the greatest outlier(s) of social contract?    

 

but what is the social contract? respect designated area unless capacity/extreme circumstances dictate otherwise? uphold the needs of child rearing parent above those of ‘average person’? what about of ‘average people’? at what point is the need of parent outweighed by that of group and vice versa? does context matter? what part does culture play? where does burden of responsibility lie? mind begins to clutter and persists. strictly speaking it is not baby, but parent of baby who breaches social contract in context of ‘quiet zone’. with plenty of space in other carriages, i label parent first as ignorant and then as obnoxious. i remain in this state of judgemental paralysis for 25mins or so - wanting to get up, not getting up and building in anxiety. what is this anxiety? guilt? i feel anxious around the appropriateness of response to their imposition on quiet. quiet is important to me - disruption gives rise to righteousness in me and i don’t want to go overboard. i feel guilty for not speaking up about my needs. i feel guilty for not standing up for what i perceive as a collective desire for quiet. fuck! i feel guilty about hiding behind my desire to protect them from my desire for them to be quiet. i feel guilty for wanting them to be other than they are. i feel more and more anxious the more conflicting thoughts i try to solve in a reductive way. mind continues to clutter, becoming increasingly rigid and inflexible    conflicting thoughts intensify and i become further attached to ‘my right for silence in the quiet zone’. does it bother me? why does it bother me? 

 

self absorbed parent. self absorbed me. 

 

a desire for quiet turns to a binary want for silence. i remain seated. anger simmering. ’silence that fucking thing’ i think. i look over at person across walkway. they wince with each shriek and shake their head - face darkening with anger. seeing their anger manifest physically is the mirror i need to catch myself. my face softens and i laugh internally - had by my self-importance. sitting in stillness for the next hour as righteous anger leaves my body with each breath. clutter dissolving judgemental thoughts reduced - mind clearer. baby still shrieking. can it be as simple as ‘this is a quiet zone - you are not quiet - please be quiet or leave’. yes, it could be, but i get a feeling that’s not ‘it’. i’m still attaching to a want for things to be other than they are. i’m reminded of the contextual labelling of space as ‘quiet zone’ - and my subsequent attachment to ‘quiet’ in this context. my attention turns inward. what is this ‘quiet zone’? mind begins to mull. to attach to label of ’quiet zone’ is to seek validation of an internal need (my need for quiet) from an external source (a zone outside of self). there is no such thing as ‘quiet zone’ other than within oneself. falling victim to desire for control of external is therefore an admittance in denial of one’s own chaos. surely that’s where to focus one’s attention. breathing in, i find stillness in my abdomen. breathing out, tension released. this practice takes me through to my destination.   reflecting on journey: there is a soft unspoken way of relating in this world that requires self-ownership, mutual cooperation and respect to function - some people get this, others less so. one thing i revisited today: I am responsible for my peace of mind

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03/05/2019

 

now i'm just following a line

 

a thought i thought was mine

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11/02/2019 when wind blows over lake, or ocean, the water’s surface descends into a boiling mass of disturbance. ripples, waves, commotion. and in this moment, disruption appears to be the intrinsic quality of water. yet soon the storm passes, and with it ripples fade, waves reducing in magnitude. soon the tempestuous writhing mass returns to a sheet of crystal, reflecting the sky, trees and surrounding environment. soon, chaos turns to clarity. the sea and lake are like this in perpetuity. calm, violent. still, momentous. yet their intrinsic quality remains the same throughout - the depths of both remain unchanged come wind, rain, sun or storm. mind is like this. when untrained, all small things seem relevant as they skitter across the surface, and if we give them attention, so our mind will mirror their chaos. when we pay attention to deeper more subtle sensations, we see more clearly - connecting with an intimate, knowing conviction.

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28/01/2019 trust through the lens of iain mcgilchrist’s ways of attending. trust is one of the most fundamental aspects of human relationships, governance, and social cohesion. it underpins cooperation, dialogue, and the ability to navigate uncertainty. iain mcgilchrist’s ways of attending offers a compelling framework for understanding trust by exploring how our brain’s hemispheres shape our perception of the world. his work suggests that trust, and its erosion, relates deeply to the way we attend to reality, with profound consequences for relationships, institutions, and culture.

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put crudely, mcgilchrist’s work draws on neuroscience to present a case that the left and right hemispheres of the brain attend to the world in profoundly different ways. these ways of attending shape how we experience reality, including how we build and maintain trust.

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the left hemisphere: control, certainty, and transactional trust. the left hemisphere grabs and manipulates rather than receives and understands. it seeks certainty, reducing the world to definable, manageable parts. trust, in left-hemisphere terms, becomes contractual, based on rules, logic, and enforceability. when dominant, this perspective leads to a distrustful, mechanistic view of relationships. example: in institutions, the over-reliance on bureaucracy, surveillance, and rigid contracts can erode real trust by replacing relational depth with legal frameworks.

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the right hemisphere: openness, relationship, and embodied trust. the right hemisphere is relational, contextual, and holistic. it sees things as interconnected. it engages with uncertainty, understanding that trust involves risk. right-hemisphere trust is lived, experienced, and felt rather than merely reasoned. it fosters deep trust, based on mutual presence, understanding, and shared experience. example: personal relationships and strong communities thrive on right-hemisphere trust, where intuition, unspoken bonds, and vulnerability play a role.

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mcgilchrist argues that modern society has become increasingly dominated by left-hemisphere thinking, favouring control, measurement, and abstraction over lived experience. this shift has direct consequences for trust:

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1. trust as a contract vs. trust as a relationship

   • the left hemisphere sees trust as something to be enforced. eg: through laws, contracts, and oversight mechanisms.

   • the right hemisphere understands that trust cannot be reduced to rules alone; it requires time, presence, and reciprocity.

2. erosion of meaningful connection

   • the left hemisphere’s focus on efficiency and predictability strips relationships of the nuance needed for real trust to develop.

   • in institutions, increased surveillance and regulation often signal mistrust, discouraging autonomy and engagement.

3. the role of language in trust

   • the left hemisphere fixates on explicit, clear-cut language, while the right hemisphere grasps metaphor, tone, and context.

   • trust is often built in the unsaid, in the knowing glance, the shared silence. the reduction of everything to measurable terms leaves little room for these subtleties.

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to foster a culture of trust, mcgilchrist’s insights suggest that we need to rebalance our ways of attending. this requires a shift from rigid control toward openness, presence, and reciprocity. some ways to cultivate this shift include the following:

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1. deep listening and presence

   • true trust is not just hearing words but attending to meaning.

   • right-hemisphere attention involves engaging with tone, gesture, and the unspoken, the elements of trust beyond mere information exchange.

2. embracing uncertainty and vulnerability

   • trust requires a willingness to let go of absolute control.

   • a system built purely on left-hemisphere logic will seek to eliminate risk, but trust requires stepping into the unknown together.

3. fostering context and relationship

   • the left hemisphere isolates events from their broader meaning. the right hemisphere understands that trust exists within relationships and histories.

   • trust is strengthened when we acknowledge past experiences and honour shared contexts.

4. rehumanizing institutions and workplaces

   • over-bureaucratization signals mistrust whereas shifting toward relational trust allows for autonomy and engagement.

   • leadership and governance should prioritize dialogue over control, focusing on building genuine relationships rather than relying solely on policies.

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trust is not merely an intellectual decision; it is a way of attending to the world. the left hemisphere’s need for certainty and control leads to a form of trust that is brittle, mechanistic, and often self-defeating. in contrast, the right hemisphere’s openness, relational awareness, and tolerance for ambiguity cultivate a form of trust that is resilient, deep, and expansive.

by shifting how we attend to others through engaging with presence, patience, and a willingness to embrace complexity, we move toward a world where trust is not simply enforced, but lived.

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24/11/2018 the divergence between shape, symbol and identification, however small, results in magnitudes of scale differences across time - an answer is never the answer - a question never fully formed. a line that is straight is a deviation from the line that is not.

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31/10/2018

 

division is many things

a conflict, a dance, a necessity?

perhaps

at its core, division is the space between two forces that have yet to come into contact

division is the tension of unfinished dialogue

tension that manifests across all levels of matter

from the time line of a planet as it degrades and transforms

expressing as the intense suspension between lion and springbok

to our self-identity

what we express and repress of ourselves

division

the beginning of a deeper conversation

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08/05/2018

 

dig down into wet earth

pulsing underground rests the maggot

engorged folds of flesh aided by its appetite

slowly writhing in response to stimuli from the spade

a packet of protein potential, a half way state?

almost worthy of pity

helpless thing

difficult to love

i do not crush it

how I want to